I had a colonic

'Perfect', she told me

#20. Colon Cleanse

When I stepped into the cosy basement in Belgravia, I was put at ease by the smiley lady who would be subjecting me to the terror of a colonic.

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She was a loud American with short, dyed hair, tattooed lipstick, and quirky sunglasses. She looked like Ruby Wax – although she was more like Ruby Wax, Massage and Colonics.

You might be wondering, as I was, what kind of person would do this for a living. She was a perfect example of what Freud would call the ‘anally expulsive’ type. She was overweight and covered in tattoos of cats, and she’d told me she’d got a blood clot during lockdown because she’d been too lazy to move. She was also very talkative. Far too talkative for this kind of job. I hate small talk at the best of times – it was probably the last thing I wanted to do in this position.

I donned a hospital gown – I was grateful for the opportunity to protect my dignity – and presented myself, upon which her strained mmhmm suggested things did not look normal down there. Before I could probe more, she told me to relax and explained several times that, for her, this was just like making a cup of tea. I knew she was American but wondered just how wrong she could get a cup of tea.

Water flowed into my colon. It felt, believe it or not, like I was about to soil myself. I squeaked out the word ‘release’ (from my mouth) and the water flowed through the tube into a bucket. The therapist had graciously angled my head and positioned a mirror so I could see everything.

‘Perfect,’ she said, ‘You have a very healthy system, it’s clean. It’s very rare to see it like this.’

After I dressed, the therapist asked if I felt euphoric and lighter. I certainly didn’t feel euphoric and the only thing that felt lighter was my wallet, one hundred quid later. She gave me aftercare advice – only plain chicken and potatoes, nothing heavy or indulgent, and no fruit or vegetables.

I thanked her, left the clinic, and ate a club sandwich and banana smoothie. What’s the worst that could happen – after that?!

Would you do it, reader?