From trading genius to broke idiot in 48 hours
The insider secret to losing £2.4k a day
#22. Day Trading
Most people I know who work in finance are rich and stupid.
I’d be worried about offending them if I thought they could read. If they can pull in seven figures a year, why can’t I?
I’d had the Plus 500 trading app on my phone for a while. I’d tinker with it now and then, easily making a profit in their demo app with fake money. Yet it took me a while to put my own real money in (as ‘real’ as fiat currency is, am I right?) – even just £100. How hard could it be? And as they say, no risk, no reward. With my demo practice making me something of an expert, I prepared to get rich.
16th July, 12:31pm.
It turns out the markets close on Sundays.
17th July, 1:48pm
I bought £50 of stocks (or whatever) in a company (or whatever) called Zalando. I have no idea who or what a Zalando is or does, but I closed my position after an hour with a profit of £1.01. I’m annoyed; I wish I’d left it open for longer. I also wish I had put £100k in. I would have made a grand doing nothing. I can’t just put £100k in there, can I? Can I?
17th July, 3:17pm
I made a very easy buck in Alphabet stocks. I think I’ve found a scheme to get rich quick. Why has no one else thought of this?
18th July, 12:01pm
Last night, I invested £500 in a company called Plug Power (something to do with plugs (presumably regular, not butt)?). The value crept down a bit but then soared overnight. I’d met my goal; I’d made £100 in less than 24 hours doing basically nothing.
What a completely mindless and risk-free way to make money. A truly life-changing experience.
18th July, 4:24pm
I invested £500 into Acadia Pharma. My wife enquired, ‘Acadia Pharma? What do they do?’
I Googled, ‘What does Acadia Pharma do?’
It tells me they elevate life through science.
‘They elevate life through science,’ I tell her.
‘Oh,’ she says.
Oh.
Still, I made a few quid.
19th July, 10:31am
I invested £500 into a put (or whatever) on Europe 50. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I think I means betting against Europe, and I feel good about that. Take that, Johhny Frenchman.
19th July, 10:32am
Immediately, my profit/loss is down by £300. So that means from a £500 purchase I could lose a total of £800. No, that can’t be right, can it? You can’t lose more than you put in, surely? No, no, that can't be true.
It dawned on me that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I checked the chart, for the first time, and noticed the price I bought it is the absolute maximum price it’s been all day. It probably won’t get better than that.
I wonder what the fuck I was thinking, and swear never to do this again. I just want my money back.
19th July, 1:58pm
My position shot up to -£100.
Aha! I could make a profit after all – so I left it. I love this. This is the best thing I’ve ever done. I could do this for a job forever.
19th July, 3:12pm
I hate myself. It fell so low it got to a margin call (or whatever) – my position would have closed at a staggering loss if that happened. I put another £1k into my account so I don’t lose all that money. I’m sure it will go back up eventually.
19th July, 4:30pm
It didn’t go back up eventually. My position is currently -£1,600. This does not feel good. I feel despair. What if it never goes back up?
I put more money in to avoid my position being closed. I’m sure it will go back up overnight.
20th July, 8:00am
It didn’t go back up overnight. I woke up -£2.4k. I did some frantic research and learned that this put (or whatever) has a time limit: it will close automatically today, whatever level it’s at. I cut my massive losses and closed at -£2.4k. £2.4k lost in the space of just two days, for nothing. I mean, I’ve wasted maybe a grand on a night out before, but at least I had some good stories. Today, I have nothing. A complete loss of £2.4k for nothing.
Jasmine pointed out that, since I made £100 earlier, it’s technically a loss of £2.3k, if that helps.
It doesn’t. I want to die.
The dream is dead.
Back to work.